My Beautiful Mother

I began drafting this last week. I had so much on my mind and just wanted to get it out. Mom was my primary audience for my blog (she would always make sure I fixed my typos). So, though it may be difficult to read, I think I may want to someday reflect on this time in my life-please excuse the typos. 

I don't know why I'm writing about this.  I'm hoping someway, somehow it will be therapeutic to get it out in words, on a screen what I am feeling inside.  Mom was not feeling great in Texas.  She thought she had a sinus infection that wasn't getting better.  Once she and my dad returned home, she went to her new doctor, was prescribed stronger antibiotics and sent home.  The following Sunday, my dad and I took mom to the ER.  She was having issues breathing and felt very weak.  We took her in and through various tests they discovered that her right lung was full of fluid as well as a mass inside her right bronchial tube.  They suspected cancer.  
Three weeks later we have her home on hospice and are praying for her comfort as she closes the living chapter of her life.
How in the hell did we get here so fast?  I was so excited to be out of school for the summer.  To spend time with my mom doing all sorts of activities. 
Everything is so surreal.  Life around me keeps going on.  There are classes to be taught, practices and games and concerts to attend.  Meals to be made, bedtimes to be kept.  
Somehow in my mind, I think it will be easier when she goes.  Like my heart won't ache for her as much as it does now.  Everything I do, everything I see I tie back to my mom in some way.  
I feel so fortunate, I know not everyone has such an amazing relationship with their mom.  I truly feel blessed that I have had such an outstanding relationship with my mom.  I would joke that I call her four times a day....often I did.  Sometimes it would be for nothing more than to tell her something stupid I thought of or did or a coupon I found or the newest sale at Kohl's.  She would always answer.  Consequently, if I didn't call her that often, I would find myself on the receiving end of a call or text asking me if everything was alright.  She was my biggest cheerleader, advice giver, personal shopper and most of all, friend.  Growing up, I fondly remember having a hot meal on the dinner table almost every single night growing up.  It didn't matter what our schedules were.  Isn't it funny how memories work?  I'm sure there are nights we had peanut butter & jelly or cereal-but if there were, I don't remember them.  Mom was also always put together.  Her hair was fixed, her makeup on.  The first day we took mom to the ER, she was still in her pajamas and she said "you don't think I'm going there looking like this do you?!"  

Mom passed away very peacefully Saturday morning, May 11th. All four of my siblings and my dad were able to spend her last day with her telling her all of the things that most of us wait too long to say. She responded as she could with “I Love You’s” and hugs I will always remember. 

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my 39 years of life. Mostly it just doesn’t seem real.